I thought I would have to get terminal illness and have my request granted by the Make-A-Wish foundation before I was blessed enough to see Paul Walker and Vin Diesel on screen together again.

In this trailer for The Fast and the Furious 4, Vin Deisel and his gang of loveable felonious misifits attempt to hijack a truck six miles long while it’s moving. Oh yeah, and it’s filled with gas. Wouldn’t it be easier to invade and take over the entire nation of Saudia Arabia? Probably, but then Vin wouldn’t get to do sweet reverse 180s in his pimped out muscle car.

Watch big daddy Vin Diesel tear it up in the trailer After The Jump »

Tori Praver: Hawaiian hottie. This up and comer only got started in 2006, but with the 2007 and 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions under her belt, she’s well on her way to causing wet dreams the world over. She also has the unique distinction of being able to pull off both steaming hot photos and haughty haute couture.

She’s part apple pie pretty and part sex kitten — half Anna Nicole Smith (right down to the Guess job, but without the fat, the drugs, or the crazy) and half Denise Richards (except her lips aren’t quite taking over her face and she hasn’t bagged a d-bag of Charlie Sheen’s caliber). The best things she’s got going for her? She’s only 22, her legs go up to her eyeballs, and she looks like this in a bikini:

Keep an eye on this girl. In fact, you can start right After The Jump »

Ass cancer. It’s no joke. It’s not funny, man. So when you see an ad, featuring a little boy saying that he’s “dumbfounded,” because he somehow managed to get colon cancer while he’s basically still a fetus, your first instinct is to go, “Awww … the poor fetus has ass cancer!” And then you become dumbfounded, because the little guy caught the cancer from … hot dogs! The phallic shaped foodstuff of America itself! So you could have the ass cancer too, couldn’t you?

No. No, because the anti hot dog, pro ass cancer commercial just put out by “The Cancer Project,” was a big, fat lie. None of the kids in the ad even have cancer. The society is standing behind their ad, but even the American Cancer Society says it’s so much fecal matter and blasted the campaign for the kind of scare tactics that will ultimately make kids think they’re going to get cancer if they eat a cafeteria hot dog.

Honestly, at least the ASPCA commercial that makes me cry like a little bitch every time I see it has animals that have really lost eyes and junk. So watch this commercial. Memorize what these little ass nuggets look like. And if you ever see them on the street, throw hot dogs at them.

Brace yourself for this blinding B.S., After The Jump »

Chick flicks are the worst. Somebody always dies of cancer or commits suicide or gets divorced, and in the end you’re supposed to cry in to your unsalted popcorn while using a tampon to blot away the tears. The problem is, every guy will be forced in his lifetime to involuntarily watch 9.8 chick flicks against his will. Don’t question the numbers, I’ve done extensive research.

So next time you are at the video store with the old ball and chain, score some much needed brownie points by allowing her to rent one of these carefully selected movies, which are inarguably chick flicks, but won’t make you consider suicide around the hour mark.

Guys, make your life that much better and check them out After The Jump »

Over the weekend in Miami, the Drug Enforcment Agency busted a large scale marijuana grow operation being held in a storage area inside The Mall of Americas. 200 plants, several feet high, with a street value in the millions were discovered by officers, who say the faulty wiring could have sent the place up in flames at any moment.

Everybody knows marijuana is the gateway drug. As in the gateway to being cool and having friends and being awesome. So it shouldn’t surprise anybody that some pizza face kid who works at Red Lobster in the mall tried to pull this off. What should surprise people is that the DEA still hasn’t collared the suspect. I got an idea, Round up all the mall employees with keys, and smell their fingers, that’s how my 8th grade History teacher used to narc us. DAMN YOU MS. CALDWELL!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch the DEA bust their hippie asses After The Jump »

This show will only continue to draw bigger and bigger stars as years pass. Look at this years crop of contestants, and there are some people on there who could actually be considered real celebrities.

1. Kim Kardashian — Hot as fuck
2. Cloris Leachman — Old as fuck, but an Oscar winner
3. Maurice Greene — Olympic sprinter
4. Lance Bass — Supergay
5. Rocco Dispirito — Celebrity chef?
6. Warren Sapp — Professional football monster
7. Misty May-Treanor — Olympic gold medalist beach volleyball
8. Ted Mcginley — Don’t know
9. Susan Lucci — Soap opera actress/sexy old broad
10. Brooke Burke — Not sure
11. Cody Linley — Hannah Montana related
12. Toni Braxton — Unbreak my Heart
13. Jeffrey Ross — Funniest mofo on the planet

Early money has got to be on Treanor. Judges sympathy plus legs that don’t quit equals Dancing With the Stars success. Kudos to getting Kardashian on board. The world is a better place whenever her ass is being broadcast nationally.

Apparently, the Catholic church is attempting to be more hip — and to take the focus off those naughty priests! They are not, sadly, going for the Buddy Christ approach, which is a shame because I, for one, quite fancy the idea of Jesus leering at me with a lecher’s wink.

This is just as good though: Antonio Rungi, an Italian priest and theologian, is implementing the Miss Sister 2008 contest. Yes, it is a beauty contest. Yes, it is for nuns. The padre wants to dash the stereotypical view of nuns as fat, scary women with facial hair and unsightly warts who wield rulers like Samurai swords. He wants to promote the idea that they are women, and beautiful, and yadda, yadda, yadda.

I myself am not Catholic but the archetypal sister of the archdiocese up there does give me the creeps. If Jesus really is our buddy and God or whatever is merciful, the nuns in the contest will look like what’s waiting for you After The Jump »

No, it’s not another flick starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta – thank god. Rather, a man who got attacked by a bear just got a new face.

Facial transplants are becoming much more common, leading doctors to believe that it won’t be too long before they’re as common as heart transplants — or face lifts, what have you. The surgery is not only helpful to people who have been disfigured by such attacks or outside forces, but also to those who suffer from genetic and medical disorders — like those folks with 200 pound facial tumors you can often see on Discovery Health.

Do those shows give you the heebie-jeebies? As long as you’re not squeamish, then just wait for what’s coming up After The Jump »

In what might be the greatest Simpsons episode ever made, Homer gains disability by becoming morbidly obese and no longer has to work. It turns out I wasn’t the only one paying attention.

A woman in Texas, where everything really IS bigger, is using the same ploy to dodge murder charges that were laid against her after she killed her two year old nephew by repeatedly hitting it. Apparently Mayra Rosales weighs close to a thousand pounds, and can’t fit through a doorway to get out of her house, let alone be held in county jail, where she would surely die. Officials are at wit’s end in trying to decide how to properly deal with the situation. Her sister, Jaime Rosales, who is not a whale, is being held on $100,000 bail on charges resulting from leaving the child alone with her crazy house-sized sibling.

So kids, if you ever murder somebody, just gain 800 pounds and there is nothing they can do but wait till your fat ass dies.

P.S. If I’m Jaime Rosales, I pay the 100 grand, bust out the joint, head to the nearest Carls Jr. and lace some cheeseburgers with rat poison. Case closed.

Forget Michael Phelps. Usain Bolt? He’s nothing. The real champion of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, is Angel Matos, a Cuban taekwondo fighter who lashed out at officials after being disqualified from a match he was winning for taking too much injury time. Referee Chakir Chelbat of Sweden, was kicked squarely in the head after making the call, and a judge who entered the fracas was shoved repeatedly. Angel Matos will recieve a lifetime ban for the incident.

Lifetime ban? For what? Delivering a perfect kick to the dome of this Swedish meatball, and garnering countless amounts of publicity for the Olympics. Angel Matos should recieve a gold medal purely based on the above photo, which is so money it should only be printed in a mint.

You MUST watch the video After The Jump »